How to survive for dipshits: A noobs guide

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    So you think you’re a tough shit, and a special fuckin’ snowflake eh? Welcome to the Exiled Lands numb nuts! Life here can be tough, in fact some say it’s unplayable. BULLSHIT!!! Follow these simple steps, and your life will be easier.

    Chapter 1 – Starting out

    So you load in thirsty, and overheated.. well of course you do! You were pulled off a fucking cross in the middle of the desert!
    -First thing to do when load in is go to the river, forget about the free water skin, and the sad little last note written by some nameless survivor you’ll never meet, go drink like a fish. However there is no need to cross the river completely until chapter 2.

    -Once you make it to the river start collecting branches, and loose small stones on the ground, as well as plant fiber. However there is no need to load up on materials until the point of overencumberance.

    -Make yourself a pick axe, turn what ever plant fiber you have to twine, enough to level up at least once. Then make yourself the apprentice craftsman perk, and make yourself an axe you dopey fuck you.

    -Hungry yet shit head? Good because next we’re going to scour the southern river bank for shell back nests. Once you find one, grab the eggs, eat them when you get hungry. While you are at the nest, grab your stone axe and chop those little fuckers in the head, it’s ok they won’t fight back, and move slower than you, and there is no PETA in these lands to stop you! Once they are dead, harvest hide from their soft shitty bodies.

    – After playing hide, and go seek with the shell back babies you should have gained enough xp to at least unlock the experienced survivalist perk. In which case put that hide, and twine to use, and make yourself at least two waterskins, three if you want to be super prepared. Then go to the river, put the drinking skins on your tool bar, and use them while looking at river until you hear a gulping sound, as if Jack nicholson, and a whole AA group gave up, and raided your fridge for beer as if it were the last alcohol on earth.

    – The next thing you are going to need is the warrior perk because lets face it, that stone hatchet is good for chopping up babies, but you need a better weapon. Gather some branches, and stone, to make yourself a simple stone club.

    -Once that is out of the way, it’s time to go bash some small critters over the head for xp, and for their delicious meat. Kill them, harvest the meat with axe, or pick axe. Get yourself a campfire, and make a bedroll from the hide you’ve undoubtedly gathered from chopping up bodies like Lizzy Borden. Place your campfire, and bedroll down. BIND to your bed by pressing ‘E’ on it. A message should appear that tells you, that you are bound.

    -Next you are going to want to chop about 100 or so pieces of wood down. Press ‘E’ on the camp fire, drag the wood into one of the slots on fire, then slide in your meat (that’s what she said). Finally you click the ‘on’ button to turn the fire on, and cook your meat. While it’s cooking, kill more shellback babies, for the easy xp.

    – Once you’ve got a few more points laying around, pick up the stone dagger, and shield perks. Then proceed to make those, and add them to your bar.

    – Now you have a weapon, and a shield to bash in brains, block blows, and a dagger to skin bastards who clearly do not see how bad ass of a special snowflake you really are. With a club, and shield, you should be able to take down most creatures on the south river banks, and islands. Note that in combat heavy attacks drain your stamina, so spamming them is not the best idea as though stam regen is high now, it’s always good to save some stamina to dodge, or run from bigger, badder, beasts. Practice combat, timed blocks, and strikes, until you feel a little more comfortable with the new combat mechanics. Skin things that you kill.

    -By now you’ve likely gotten enough xp to unlock the armorers bench, do so and place it near your campfire, and bed.

    -From there drag the hides you’ve gathered from glorious slaughter into the bench, along with twine. Make yourself a light armor chest frame. Pick some plant fiber, drop it in the armor bench, and with the chest frame, and plant fiber in bench, make yourself a light chest piece.

    – Put the armor on ya dopey fuck!

    – kill more things for xp, unlock more light armor pieces with points, make more frames, make more armor.

    – By now you have a full set of light armor, and are a minimum of level 10. Congradulations snowflake you can now cross the river, have the basic tools needed to do more than just immediate survival, and not die from heat! You’re welcome!


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